


Of Father and Of Son

by Powrhug



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Powrhug/pseuds/Powrhug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He was a good man, Steve, but you’re a better man."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Father and Of Son

_There was a dream and one day I could see it  
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it  
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt  
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out_

 _There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light  
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right  
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light  
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it_

 

Steve couldn't remember the last time the need for release took over to such an extent that he cried.

It's not like he had anything against crying. He didn't think less of men who did, knew that in many ways they were stronger than those who didn't. He just rarely felt the urge, the need. Rarely allowed himself that luxury because he didn't have time for it.

It wasn't about showing weakness or being less of anything. It just wasn’t him.

And it sure as hell wasn’t Jack McGarrett’s son.

~~~

Danny slowly approached where Steve was sitting, cleaning a handgun.

"You okay?"

Steve nodded as he continued his task, not stopping even to look at his partner, "Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

Danny nodded back, more in recognition than agreement, "Because it was just a kid. Because he was caught in the crossfire. Because you're a fucking human being not a cyborg. You pick, babe."

Steve let out a sound that was half sigh, half mirthless chuckle. "Collateral damage, Danny. You do what you have to do and get as many out alive as you can."

"Unavoidable." He continued.

Steve only looked up after Danny had left the room and he slowly lowered his Dad’s service revolver to the table.

~~~~

They’d been at it for awhile that night, using alcohol as one of their frequent competitions. Kono’s eyes were glassy, but Steve didn’t let that deceive him, he knew she was still going strong and would for at least another shot if not two.

“Who was your first?”

Steve almost choked at that. They’d been skirting everything that was personal all evening and he’d assumed they’d keep it that way. But he smiled around his longneck and took a swallow, watching her face carefully as he replied, “Bought and paid for.”

She shook her head as if trying to clear it, “Wait, do you mean...”

He shrugged.

Kono slumped back in her chair, “Well I’ll be damned. I’d never have guessed that, boss.”

She didn’t ask but he answered anyway, “Dad knew some of the local girls through the job. They did it as a favor.”

“I thought you said bought and paid for?” Kono said, tilting her head as if trying to focus.

Steve nodded, then looked away, “Yeah.”

~~~

They were sprawled in bed on a lazy and rare day off as Steve weighed the options of remaining or going out for a swim.

"Did you ever wish Grace was a son?" He asked Danny, leaning up to look down as he propped himself up with one arm.

"Bite your tongue, babe, Gracie's perfect the way she is. Lack of boy parts included."

"Boy parts?"

"Yeah, boy parts. I know you’re familiar with those, my friend. And needless – I thought – to say, I will not use the word penis in the same sentence as my daughter, because my daughter isn't going to know what one of those is until she's a Grandmother."

Steve studied the path of his fingers as they created patterns along Danny’s damp skin. "Kidding aside."

"Kidding aside, no. Even before she was born, before we knew, I thought she was a girl. Can't tell you how, I just did. And I've never regretted that."

"My Dad he...well, he wanted a son. Really wanted a son."

"And he got a fine one."

"Yeah, I suppose he did. Trouble is he also wanted a son when Mary was born."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And he never let anyone forget it."

"Even Mary?"

Steve rose and began searching for his swim trunks.

"Mom, me, Mary...especially Mary."

"That why she's as fucked up as she is? No offense intended of course."

"You do realize if anyone else but you had said that, they'd be picking their teeth off the floor about now?"

"That I do. But that didn't answer my question."

"No, I guess it didn't."

"So all of the pressure was on you then?"

"On her you mean?"

"No Steven, I said you."

Steve didn’t bother to reply.

~~~~~~~

There were times recently when he couldn't remember her face. Pulling out a photo album seemed wrong, he was a fucking SEAL who could still remember every order, every detail of every mission he’d ever been on. He should be able to remember his own mother's face.

He'd read somewhere that it was easier if you remember a specific event instead of just trying to think what the person looked like. So he'd immerse himself in memories of long ago when things felt right. When things felt real.

When he felt.

It was one of those warm summer evenings when the underlying breeze was almost cool. He'd complained for weeks about not knowing how to ride his bike, and his Dad was barely around. Tired of waiting and determined to do it on his own, he fell almost immediately, cutting his knee, his elbow, his pride.

After his Mom had dried his tears and cleaned his skin, she went outside with him. She laughed when he reminded her Dad would be home soon and would expect dinner on the table.

He loved her laugh. He could remember her face when he thought of her laughing.

~~~~

Chin watched patiently as Steve paced in front of him, his anger barely contained in the space that felt too small as it surrounded them.

“I can’t believe you’d fucking say that, Chin. You.”

Chin merely nodded as Steve continued the back and forth, his voice shaking, his body wound tight.

“He was like a father to you. A fucking father.”

“I realize that, Steve. I’m just trying to get you to see that he was flawed just like the rest of us.”

“He was a good man. My father was a good man, Chin. You’re not going to take that way from me.”

Chin nodded, “He was a good man, Steve, but you’re a better man.”

Steve turned abruptly and walked out the door.

~~~~

Steve had no idea how long he’d been sitting on the shower floor, propped against the wall, but it felt like a long while.

He raised his face to the spray as the door opened and he looked up into Danny’s concerned face.

“I’m tired...so damn tired.”

Danny nodded without speaking and climbed in fully clothed, not bothering with the water as he gently pushed Steve forward so he could wedge himself behind.

Strong arms circled Steve’s chest and Danny pulled him back, burying his face in warm wet skin.

They stayed that way until the water began to cool.

 

~end~

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Part of this comes from my drabble "Warm Water." Lyrics from The Avett Brothers,"Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise."
> 
> Originally posted on LiveJournal: 5/26/11


End file.
